The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one