When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
happy mother’s day❤️
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My ideal weight is five million dollars