I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.