Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.