Fiction has to make sense.
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I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us