*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.