Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
You Might Also Like
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?