Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Thinking about Jeff