Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.