Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news