he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Monday Lisa
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
He’s cranky this morning
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …