‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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Bruh 😭😭😭😭
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away