Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’