Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
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I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look