Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT