I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Sponch
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I need this for my side hustle.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.