Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
that colleague who touches your screen
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
the greatest twitter interaction
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!