How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Oceanography is all about current events
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.