-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Monday Lisa
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.