If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Bring back the McRib
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.