no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
who wants to go expliring
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.