*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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Happy Taco Tuesday
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.