Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
#SuperBowl
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.