how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
You Might Also Like
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.