My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one