What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
No laws when master is gone
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
This meeting could have been a cake
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*