[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.