*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!