If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.