PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.