I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!