I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!