You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Barbie gone wild
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie