BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good