Sorry not sorry.
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.