You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
You Might Also Like
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.