Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
o shit
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Just as the prophecy foretold
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.