When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You Might Also Like
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The biggest mystery of our time
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.