The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am