[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
#math
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.