“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
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today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!