A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
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Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me trying to walk in a dream
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one