ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same