Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.