Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
This is what makes twitter great
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Boating season is upon us.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”