Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
So we got a goldfish…
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday