“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
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I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”