i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My diet starts in January
of 2027
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.