Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.