Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!